Wakela’s World

As you can tell by a lot of my more recent posts, I have fallen by the wayside with blogging.

That unfortunately isn’t the only thing. I have completely fallen by the wayside in all things spiritual as well.

I have decided that I need to reconnect with the goddess within. I need to break out my tarot decks and start doing readings again. I need to start lighting my nightly candles and doing blessings. I need to rebuild my altar and pray.

When I was still living with my mom, I had my altar set up at all times. I would meditate in front of it on a regular basis. I was doing some work on myself to help get through tough times.

After my mom passed away, I went into a very dark time. Then I was forced to move out of our house and felt empty and cold. Even though I am living with my sister, I no longer have that safe haven. My parents had bought that house over 10 years before I was born. I lived there until my marriage. I moved back during my divorce. My energy was everywhere in that house. It felt safe.

I have only been in this house about a year. The majority of the energy here is chaotic since my brother-in-law and my sister fight constantly. I feel like I am constantly being buffeted about on a current of foreign energy.

Its time that I start setting up my space. I need to get the energy in my room cleared. I need to take that place over as mine. I may not be able to calm the rest of the house down as I was able to do with my mom’s house, but I can at least make a safe haven for me.

My mom was really great with me being a pagan. In fact, even though my mom was a Christian, she tended to have many new age/pagan beliefs. She was a master practitioner in Reiki. She believed in speaking with the dead. In fact, she used to own a Ouija board when I was much younger. I think her beliefs are what truly inspired me to look beyond conventional religion and find my own place in the world.

Here is a poem that I wrote back in 2003 for Samhain.

Samhain Night

October 25, 2003

Darkness creeps in

the land quiets down

anticipation of visits

as the veil thins

Relatives long gone

Coming by for a chat

Their spirits are here with us

Closer then ever before

Love ones we have missed

Others we are glad are gone

Those not known to us

All here to visit once more

Witches celebrate

Its the Celtic new year

Time for change and transformation

Time for renewal

Shifting

Changing

Everything spinning

As the Wheel of the Year starts again

Well I finally realized why it seems like everyone around me is arguing. Those of us who are sensitive to the energies of the planets are having to deal with mercury in retrograde. When mercury goes retro, it causes a breakdown in communications. At the moment, mercury is retro in pisces. Here is some info from Astrology on the Net.

Mercury retro in Pisces, the sign of his fall, creates mental and emotional confusion, with strange dreams and sometimes psychic experiences. Mental processes being entwined with emotions, we find it hard to separate ideas and opinions from passion and idealism. Our mental orientation can be unstable, unrealistic and overly-spiritual, but it also inclines to laziness and increases the urge to consume alcohol. Nervousness and stress, even unfounded fears and paranoia are stimulated, especially from working or living in a hostile environment. Maintain privacy and dignity in the working environment and don’t try to read between the lines, when there is really nothing to find.

Mercury moves back into Aquarius on February 27. This inclines us to eschew current fashion and dress in a style entirely our own. Mercury here can be very stubborn and opinionated, while at the same time maintaining liberal, unbiased attitudes. Avoid any temptation to be disloyal to friends, or to criticize if not slander them. Do not use your friends coldly to further your own ends.

I know that there are people I am fighting with that I wish I weren’t. I just don’t know how to stop it now. It has snowballed beyond what I can fix.

Last nights dream was extremely bizarre. Even though when I think about the events, it seems like it was short. While I was having the dream, it seemed like it went on all night.

The dream starts out where I am sitting in the pool area of what looks like my old house. I am out there with another female, a six year old boy and a black poodle. The dog was not one that I had owned in the past. In fact, the female and the child did not even look like people I actually know.

While sitting there, the kids next door started shooting fireworks at us over the wooden fence. At first we thought that they were bad fireworks that even though they were aiming at the sky, they were coming over at us. Then we realized that they were intentionally pointing them into our pool area. Well, the little boy started running around with a firework chasing after him. I threw the kid into the pool to get him away from the firework.

I decided that I was going to go next door. In the wooden fence between our houses there was a gate. I opened it up only to find another gate. Opening this revealed a third gate. I had to squeeze through the small opening that was left after opening all three gates. As I was opening the gates, the kids scattered.

I knocked on their back door which was made of glass. The man of the house opened the door. I explained to him what was going on. He said that his kids could not be doing things like that. I assured him that they were. So I asked him and his wife to come back to my house to see the mess.

I went straight towards the gates that I had left open. Previously I had not noticed that between the gates and a phone pole was a chain link fence that wasn’t even up to our knees. The couple placed their hands on the pole for balance and stepped up onto the chain link fence. Then they hoped down onto the other side. It was much easier then trying to squeeze through the small opening, but that is what I had done. I went back through the gates.

Once over there, I was showing them the damage that was caused by the fireworks. I told them that one was even chasing my son around the pool. This child is not my real life son. Then the poodle started doing a little dance show for the people. It apparently liked to perform.

The next door neighbors six year old daughter drove up in a car into our backyard. She was drunk and even had a beer in her hand. They were not even surprised she had been drinking or even driving for that matter. I was outraged. They apparently let their kids do whatever they want. The lady who was in the backyard with me started asking me if I had seen “cousin Raul”. I kept telling her no. She became frantic looking for him. I don’t have any cousins named Raul.

That was one of the most bizarre dreams that I have had in quite some time.

If you have any insight into what this dream meant, please leave a comment.

A few years ago, my mom had read a book called “Messengers” by Julia Ingram and GW Hardin. This book is supposedly a true story about a man named Nick Bunick who is able to communicate with angels. Nick states that one of the main ways that the angels communicate with us is through 444. He had started noticing that the number kept appearing in various ways whenever the angels were with him, such as time, signs, etc.

Well, today I was very upset and depressed. I was to the point that I wanted to walk out on my job. I finally left the office around 3pm to go get lunch. At Burger King, I ordered the Angus combo. This should have cost me a little over $5 since the base price without tax is $5.07. However, some way my bill came out to $4.44. I asked the guy if the total was correct. He said that it was. When I got the receipt none of it made sense. It was talking about the angus as only 98 cents and some fish sandwich. My order was completely correct though. I got the angus combo. Some way it was rung up so that it equaled exactly $4.44.

I felt like this was my mom watching over me. Letting me know that everything is going to be ok. It was really soothing for me. I was desperately needing a sign from her. I had been feeling so alone up until then.

Most people don’t understand how I can feel so alone all the time. I try to explain that I can feel completely alone in a full room of people I know. I don’t know why I am like this, but I am. I know that it isn’t healthy. I just don’t know what to do. I went to counceling for a few years when alot of things were going on with my ex. However, this wasn’t something that I was able to “fix”. At that time, my depression had lessened. I know that it has been worse again. I am trying to deal with it. I think I have been handling it well so far. Only a few major break downs.

I am thankful that I have had a few people who I was able to talk to when I was at my worst. I know that Brazen is probably sick of my by now.

Well, I need to get back to packing. I have only been getting a few hours of sleep per night trying to get things done around here. I just don’t feel like I am going to get it all done in time. I don’t want my sisters mad at me if I still have stuff to pack on Sat. I am exhausted to the point that I am getting sick.

I just keep telling myself that if I finish completely on Sat, then I can sleep all day on Sunday and worry about unpacking next weekend.

Ok so last night I dreamt that my job was a prison. I don’t mean that I got a new job in a jail. I mean that my current job had bars on the windows and we were there doing time.

I guess that this would be a perfect metafor for the way that I am feeling about my job lately. I still like working with all the people there. Its just that every time I turn around someone is adding a new project to my plate. I already have way more things to do then there are hours in the day. (And I am not talking about 8 hour shift, I am talking 24 hour day!!)

It has gotten to the point that everything that they want me to do, just can’t physically be done by one person. In fact, I don’t think it can be physically done by two people. I am slacking off on so many of them because it is just too much. I am burning out really fast!

They keep wanting me to come in on weekends now to work overtime to get this stuff done. I am getting so burned out that I just don’t want to. It is becoming such an ordeal to get myself ready for work. I have gotten to the point that I just don’t want to go and have to fight with myself to get ready.

Yes, my thyroid is coming under control, but the key word is “coming”. I am still not there yet. They have to understand, that I am one person only! Yes I may know alot of information because I started in the medical field back in 1988. However, I am one who is still trying to get her health back in order.

I love earning the extra money in overtime, but I can’t do it every weekend. They don’t understand that there are many weekends that I will literally sleep from Friday night until Sunday morning because my body is trying to recuperate just from working.

I literally don’t do anything but work, play computer games, grocery shop. That is all my life consists of any more. I haven’t had the energy to go out and do anything in ages.

I am supposed to be reconciling the various PACs systems on a daily basis. I haven’t had the time to do that in several months. I am supposed to be checking the router in order to discard old films that are no longer being kept on site. I don’t have enough hours in the day to do that. I am supposed to be working the incoming faxes to make appointments for them. I keep falling behind because there isn’t enough time.

Where is my time spent? I have to field incoming calls. I have to attempt to get prescriptions and referrals ready for the next day’s appointments. There have been times I have been on hold with physician’s offices for over ten minutes. When you have three rooms to prepare, that can add up to alot of patients. That equals a lot of hold time. I also have to put out minor IT fires that arise. The past few days we have been having issues with the router. That takes me away from my other things. Well guess what! Its not like I get any help if I am away doing that. Then we have the fact that certain doctor’s offices will only call and talk to me. I know its nice for them to have a certain point of contact, but come on already. I have too much crap to do that prevents me from being the logical choice. They need to have an employee who works doctor office hours and only works the phones who is the point of contact.

I hate the way things have become there. I just don’t know anymore. It really is becoming too much for me to handle. Complaining only goes on deaf ears.

Perfect example is Mondays. I come in to work at 7am and leave at 3:30pm. I am stuck at the front desk until 10:30am. So from 10:30am until noon I am racing through all the faxes that came in over the weekend and that morning trying to figure out if any of them already have appointments or not. The ones that do, I put the paperwork in the appropriate place. If not, I put it aside to call the patient’s later. I then go to lunch at noon. When I come back at 12:30pm, I have to start getting things together for the next day’s patients. Here is where the problem arises. Most offices are on service from noon until 2pm. So I literally only have from 2pm until 3:30pm to call the doctors. I can’t work it any other way. I have to do the faxes first so that I can tell if there is anything that I need for the next day from there.

Well, I am doing this while still trying to take incoming calls. The majority of the time, I am only able to do a half assed job. I hate that! That is not the way I work.

If things don’t change soon, I am going to have to find another job!!

I did a quick reading on myself today with the Faerie Oracle by Brian Froud to find out what if anything will happen between me and this guy that I am somewhat interested in. Here are the results:

Mikle A Muckle - Lighten up! What is needed here is the benefit of a childlike, trusting heart and childlike wisdom, seeing directly to the true nature of things. Don’t complicate matters. What you see is what you get. Don’t look for hidden and subtle meanings and motivations because they are not there in this case. Go to the heart of the matter, the simple core hidden behind complexities. Don’t be so caught in thinking about the future that you can’t see what is happening now. Welcome adventure into your life. Try something you’ve never done before. And take some time to play with Mikle before you turn into a grumpy glumph or a worn-out wurg.

Sylvanius - At this time you are discovering new truths about yourself. They are essential for you to know in order to create relationships based on mutual respect, affection, and trust. These things can only work if we see ourselves and others as we are. Currently, both Faery and this world are functioning as a giant mirror in which we see ourselves in many surprising ways. People tend to dread this because we assume that we are worse than we think we are, but this is far from necessarily true. Now is a time for finding out the false and misleading beliefs you have accepted and discovering that you are a better person than you thought–and have the potential to accomplish more than you believed you could. If someone says you are better or simply different than you think you are, don’t automatically reject this. Think it over carefully. You have more to give and more to enjoy than you have been giving yourself credit for.

Spirit Dance - Now is the time to focus and really concentrate on a project or process, especially one involving the creative arts. Spontaneity balanced by self-discipline will help us achieve our goals. Strive for elegance and simplicity. This is a time to bring out and share qualities that we have nurtured in private.

Last night I barely slept. First, I was so hyper that it took forever to fall
asleep. Then when I did sleep, I had the most bizarre dreams ever! At one point,
I woke up in the middle of the night and stayed awake for over an hour. I was so
tempted to get out of bed and play GW. I decided not to.

The first dream
I walked into the back room. It was decorated different then it is today. There
was an old couch there and one of those mirrors they use in hospitals to see
around corners. The mirror was hanging in the ne corner of the room. There was a
round red clock hanging next to it. It reminded me of my mom’s old Coca-Cola
thermometer that hung in that room years ago. Anyway, there was this HUGE
spider sitting on the top of the mirror. The body of the spider had to have been
at least 3 inches wide. The legs were long and thick. It jumped off the wall
scampering towards me. As it did, it knocked the mirror and the clock off the
wall. I was frozen in fear. I couldn’t look away from the section of the wall
where it had been. I knew it was getting closer to me. I couldn’t see it though.
I finally woke up making this terrified noise. I ended up having to turn my
lights on to check for spiders.

The second dream that I remember was
also in the same room. I dreamt that it was the middle of the night. I heard a
noise and got up to investigate. My dog Whiskey(who has been dead since 1993)
came with me. There was a huge rat in the room. Whiskey went after the rat
(which she would never have done in real life since she was a coward). Whiskey
was a small dog. She is part poodle and part schnauzer. I was so terrified that
the rat would kill her. So I picked up something and threw it at the rat. It
stopped and stared at me. I ran to open the back door. The rat went outside. It
then tried to run back in. I grabbed it around the neck. It had bitten my hand.
So I grabbed it by the top of its head. It had spikes coming out of the top of
its head that hurt my hand. I threw it outside and slammed the door. Thankfully,
I woke up then.

I am so tired now. I didn’t sleep good at all. I really
don’t want to go in to work today. I feel nauseous this morning. I am not sure
why. I just hope I don’t puke all over the place.

First off, Blessed Beltaine for all those pagans out there.

Second, BC & I went to the Beltaine festival at the UU of Fort Lauderdale yesterday. We had a fun time selling her soaps. It was a very surreal day. We are so used to having KC & EC there selling. However they couldn’t make it. Linda showed up. I haven’t seen her in ages. Plus DL showed up with P. I haven’t seen P since she was pregnant. Her “baby” is now 4!!

Our booth was next to Dingo’s, so we were talking to him quite a bit.

Anyway, BC had a certain amount of sales that she had hoped for. Right before the ritual, we had almost hit that mark. We were only $2 shy of it. So I told her not to worry. That we would have some sales after the ritual. Boy was I right. BC has these really cool candles that she sells. Well, someone came after the ritual and bought us out of the pillar candles. Plus she bought 3 of the jar candles. Well, Dingo got interested to see what the big deal was. He walked over & wanted one of the pillars. Since we had none left except the demo we had been burning all day, he bought it! I was dying that we even sold the demo.

All in all, it was a fun but tiring day.

I had a strange dream last night. The exact details are fuzzy. Basically, I was driving around in a maze that led into a parking lot. I parked and went into this auto parts store. Inside the store looked like a clothing store. I ran into someone that I hadn’t seen since 1992 in real life. His name is Alan. I called him over to where I was. He just looked at me like I was a compete stranger. I used to work with this guy at the hospital in real life. Then he said that he remembered me. He said that he installed my multi-million dollar phone system. I said that was true. Then I woke up. Now he has never been to my house. He has never worked on my phones. And I certainly don’t have a multi-million dollar phone system. So huh???